Water Park Revelation: What I Learned from Seeing Elderly Men in Speedos

  Recently I went to a water park with my kids and I have to say, it was downright revelatory. Here are a few things that struck me.  

1. Walmart will sell a bikini to anybody. For reals. No physical prerequisites. Whatever your “situation,” Faded Glory is down with it.
2. That said, 50% of Americans may be dissatisfied with the President, but 99.9% of folks at Splashtown, Spring, Texas, are totally satisfied with themselves. 
3. I don’t know what they are making bikinis of these days, but the tensile strength of it is mind boggling. They should make bridges and sky scrapers out of it. I saw strings holding up, holding back and holding down body parts that I’m not sure the Hoover Dam could handle.
4. Anyone, regardless of race, religion or tax bracket, can get plastic surgery and they do. A lot. All over. I heard a kid ask their parent for some ice cream and the parent replied to the child, “do I look like I’m made of money?” I’m not sure what the kid said in response but in fairness, both yes and no should have been completely acceptable.
5. There should be a Room of Reckoning that you must walk through before entering the park akin to the Southern Oracle that Atreyu had to walk through in The Neverending Story. In that room you should see what your swimsuit will look like after getting off a water slide. If it appears as if your body has in fact swallowed the swimsuit, you should have to put on a pair of shorts. If you refuse, you get fried Southern Oracle style.
6. If you are pregnant, don’t waste your money on a tent-like swimming frock. (See #1)
7. If you are a fair skinned red head like me, do the honorable thing and wear a burqini. (Look it up. It’s a real thing.) Not only will it keep you from blinding others with your luminous, pale skin, but it will protect you from the sun. Plus, if you get one in black, like I have, people tend to let you step ahead of them in line because they fear you may in fact be the Angel of Death.
8. I now know where Tim Burton goes for inspiration.
9. The only people not having fun, the %.1 I referred to in #2, were probably the folks worried about how they looked. Did I see any of those people, the ones tugging their swimsuit to make sure they were covered or sucking in their stomachs? No. I saw no one seemingly worried about their appearance. I assume they existed just by statistics.
10. Being surrounded by folks completely oblivious or unfettered by social propriety, is kind of nice.

While I have to say that although I do not approve of teeny bikinis on women, men or kids, I wholeheartedly am in favor of being ok with who you are. Whatever your situation, tall, short, fat, thin, pregnant to the max, and/or tragically pale, embrace it. If you spend all your time tugging at your swimsuit or wondering which waterslide will make your thighs look the best, you’re going to miss the fun and not just at Splashtown, but in life. How do I know that? Personal experience.

I’ve missed the fun on occasion. I was the girl at the beach digging a hole in the sand so when I lied down, my butt would go into it, thereby making it seem smaller. Yes, I did that. I also sucked in my nonexistent gut and stuck out the padding of my bathing suit top. (Seriously, I had so much padding, I could have been shot at point blank in the heart and walked away unscathed.) 

And, that’s all I was able to do. Suck it in, stick it out, make sure my butt was securely in the hole I had dug. I couldn’t get up and have fun because the only thing anybody can do when all they’re thinking of is how they look, is think about how they look. You can’t surf, knee board, play beach volleyball or even build a proper sand castle because a righteous sand castle involves squatting and bending over.

So, in summary, may we all take a lesson from the lady at Splashtown wearing a leotard and stockings, the elderly men in Speedos and the man with the tattoo that was probably way cooler before whatever surgery he had that cut out the middle portion of it, as well as the multitude of others completely unfettered by social propriety. May we all, like them, embrace who we are and how we look so fiercely that we are able to completely let go and enjoy every moment of life. 

Aliens Against Sexual Assault

       If you keep up with the news through social media, you might have seen the backlash over the newly crowned Miss USA’s comments during the pageant. What? Didn’t know there was a newly crowned Miss USA? Yeah, me neither. I haven’t watched a pageant in forever. However, once upon a time, I did watch it. Faithfully. I wanted to see what Americans were going to send to the Miss Universe pageant. I say what rather than who because I’m pretty sure some of those gals are in fact aliens. Otherwise, it would just be called, The Miss Earth Pageant. (Think about it!)  

Even if you’ve never seen a pageant of any sort, you do know that at some point, the women/aliens are asked questions and to the credit of the competitors, they are tough questions. The topics cover world events, popular issues and other stuff that proves the female beings can think on their feet and/or that the signal from their mothership is coming in loud and clear. 

Alright, I’ll quit poking fun. I have friends who have done the pageant thing and they are smart cookies. The problem I, and many others, have had with the competitions is that there seems to be a pretty wide disparity between the importance of the women’s inner and outer beauty.  

However, this year, the focus ended up being solidly put on a woman’s brains and what she said. Miss Nevada was asked by a judge how she felt about the epidemic of rape on college campuses. In her response, she dared to say that women should be taught to protect themselves. And, within moments, Twitter nearly broke. People were hash tagging (more like bash tagging) her right and left. Tweets proclaimed that women shouldn’t have to learn self defense in order to not be assaulted, that men should be taught not to rape (Like it’s a class at the local Junior College), and that she was insinuating rape was the fault of the victims for not being able to defend themselves and all and all it was the perpetuation of the “rape culture of America,” which is to say, our tendency as a society to excuse, tolerate or simply accept the act. (Deep breath.) 

I cannot say that we condone it, however we certainly don’t deal with it, in fact we do a really great job of not dealing with all manner of abuse. We teach strategies on avoiding dangerous situations and safety tips and that “no means no” and it’s not the fault of the victim. But darn it, we won’t physically teach the down and dirty reality of self defense. We teach, “this shouldn’t happen” or “go tell an adult,” but not the, “if it does happen, you gouge their eyes out.”

Here’s the thing, Miss Nevada, the winner and current Miss USA, wasn’t just giving an uneducated opinion or one gleaned from a pageant coach. The lady is a 4th degree black belt in Taekwondo. That’s a huge deal, a decade of work at least, and entitles her to be addressed as Master Miss USA. When she answered as she did, she spoke from experience. Nothing on earth teaches you the importance of defending yourself like learning to defend yourself. As soon as you are taught the skills, you understand quickly how completely assailable you are without them. The only thing I can compare it to is handling a gun. You have no idea the damage it can do until you learn to shoot one and when you finally do, you have a deep respect for the weapon.

I have been a student of martial arts for years and truly can’t see myself not being one. My introduction was through a self defense class and before taking that class, if I had been asked what I would do were some one to attack me, I would have said I would beat the snot out of them. The truth, however, was when the instructor jumped at me, I cowered inside and out. And, it wasn’t because I was surprised at how being the target of aggression felt. I recoiled because being attacked is an affront to not only the senses but our civilized self. It shouldn’t happen, everything in us says it’s wrong, which is why self defense is essential. That same domesticated part of us that is saying, abuse is wrong, is likely hesitant to stop it for the same reason. Hurting another human doesn’t feel right, even when they are hurting us. 

Here’s what I mean. One of the first things I was taught was the eye gouge. When the instructor said the words, I grimaced. When he asked why, I said I didn’t want to blind somebody for the rest of their life. He put his hands on his hips, cocked his head to the side and said that attacker was trying to steal a mother from my children, a wife from my husband, a daughter from my mother. That person was trying to take my life and I better always assume that was the intent: to kill me. (It was a very Liam Neeson, Taken, kind of moment!) And, he was right.

Look, physical assault isn’t a myth, ok? It’s not a unicorn. It exists. It happens. You know how often? 78 women an hour. Stop. Reread that. 78 WOMEN ARE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN THIS COUNTRY EVERY SINGLE HOUR. And that’s just the women, not men (yes, they are assaulted too), not kids and that’s not including violent assault without sex. 

Strangely, I bet ya, almost every person in that statistic knows how to swim. (Stay with me.) I bet you somewhere along the way somebody taught each of those women to swim as a matter of safety. Never mind that water could be avoided, never mind it wasn’t going to jump out of the bushes on a college campus and drown them. They were taught so they wouldn’t be one of the ten Americans that drown everyday. But, ironically, they probably weren’t taught to fight against being one of the 78 sexually assaulted every hour.

I’m not saying any assault is the fault of the victim for not knowing self defense. It is not. I repeat, it is not ever the fault of the victim. I’m saying, if you think it’s important to know how to swim, take self defense. You’re more likely going to need the later than former. Does it mean you will never be attacked? No. And, a whole lot of drowning victims know how to swim, does that stop anybody from learning the skill as a precautionary measure?

Knowing how to defend yourself will not only lessen the likelihood of you being attacked, and it does, but it gives you a fighting chance to survive, literally. It gives you the confidence to fight back and fighting back does take confidence just as reporting the crime does. Reporting abuse, that takes vicious bravery. And you will get some in knowing how to defend yourself. You will hold your head higher and look at the world differently. Not as a place of aggression, but a place where there can be peace because by golly, you can bring the peace if need be.  

Please, learn self defense. You deserve that. You don’t have to be in shape or a certain size. Promise. No matter what your physical circumstance, you can learn something. Call your local martial arts place, police station, YMCA, your church, call your kids’ school and request it. It’s a matter of safety. And, it not only makes you safer, but those around you as well.  

So, this once, just this once, I’m going to advise all of you, men and women alike, be like a pageant contestant. Learn to fight. Fight like a high heeled, sequin gown wearing, black belt holding minion of destruction. You deserve that. You’re worth that. 

Thank you, Master Miss USA. Thank you for encouraging all of us to take a stand. You are an inspiration. And, if you are an alien, thank you for coming in peace and daring to speak out against violence. Live long and prosper. May your spray tan never fade.