Rolling for Dirt

My jiu-jitsu belt is getting dirty. And, the more I roll (practice) the dirtier it will get. Doesn’t matter how clean a gym is, and mine is very clean, the belt will get dingy, worn and frayed. And that is awesome. 
The worse your belt looks, the better. You avoid washing it all costs because that dirt, it’s not just sweat and dust, it’s your history. It’s the good days and bad, the wins, the losses. It’s all the times you barely made it to class and all the classes you didn’t want to leave. It’s the learning and all the lessons you learned put into action or, in my case, that someone put into action upon me. 

A new black belt and the black belt of my
coach at Ground Dwellers,
Professor Eddie Avelar. 

I’m a white belt and I’ll be one for a while. There’s only five belts in jiu-jitsu and to get to black takes a minimum of seven years. Your one goal as a white belt is survival. Little by little you will learn to attack but by and large, you just avoid being submitted (beaten). So, all that dirt on my belt, it’s me fending people off, me making mistakes. It’s never me having the upper hand. It’s basically all the dirt I’m kicking up in my own grave! Really. But, I wouldn’t wash it. Not for anything. My work is in that dirt. If my belt were pristine it would be because I hadn’t put my knowledge to use and what good is knowing anything if I do nothing with it? 
But, you know what? I’m human and it’s tempting to look at the dirt on my belt and get down on myself, focus on my defeats rather than victories and think of all the mistakes I made that day, and yesterday. Basically every single day. But, mistakes are invaluable teachers. They show me my weaknesses and highlight my strengths. Mistakes take me back to what I missed the first go around and let me decide wether or not I want to miss it again.
Mistakes also make us decide who we are. Am I the one who stays down or gets back up?  When I get back up, what then? Do I get back on the mat or hang up my belt for fear of getting it dirtier and more tattered? Do I choose to see the wear and tear for what it is? Proof that I’m still at it, still brave enough to get back in there and mess up again? And I will mess up again if I choose to jump back on the mat. My belt will get more worn from defeat but at some point, one day, some of that wear and tear will be from triumphs: triumphs I earned because I learned from defeat.  That’s why all the dirt and wear on my belt looks the same. The losses don’t look different than the wins because that fact is, the former leads to later. 

My pal Kelli and I. We're not so much
much leaning in as leaning on
each other. I have mascara down
my face and we are both soaked in sweat.
I'd also like to point out we are both
over 40. That's right, folks, the tough
chicks at this gym are actually
hens!

Regardless, I have to always remember that the dirt on my jiu-jitsu belt is where I have been, not where I am. Will I make some of the same mistakes again? Yep. But they will be the mistakes of now not mistakes anew. I will deal with them in the moment rather than rehashing the past. I will see them for what they are and learn from them. Today, when my professor attempted to choke me with his kimono, (yes, his) it wasn’t the first time I had gotten myself into that spot. But, this time was different. This time I said, “oh no!” (I really did) and guarded my neck. Now, I still made the same mistake that got me in that position, I still dug myself a hole. But I was smart enough to not get completely stuck in it. And that was a victory. Good dirt. But, I won’t focus on that victory dirt any more than the defeat dirt. Because, if I’m busy looking at my belt, what just happened, where I have been, I will miss what’s coming next. And I don’t want to miss what’s coming next. I have a hard enough time when I know good and well what’s coming at me!
The next time you mess up and you will - if you don’t, I pity you -  see it for what it is: dirt on your belt. Your history, your lessons, proof that you were on the mat battling it out, proof of a lesson learned and knowledge earned and, in that respect, all victorious grime because you still have on the belt. You’re still fighting. Wear that dirt with a heart that’s grateful for having lived long enough to make a mistake and having been given the opportunity to learn from it. 
We are human and humans mess up, we all have dirty belts. The only human that never had dirt on His belt was only half human. And the only reason He didn’t have dirt on it was because He chose to get it bloody instead. For you. For me. He did that you so no matter how filthy we get in defeat, we can still be clean. What greater triumph is there than that?  
Embrace your dirty, worn out, tattered belt. It’s your history, evidence of your time on the mat, a testimony of the times you messed up and got back at it. It’s your wins, your tap outs and the wins you got because you learned from having to tap out. And, in that, every bit of that dirt, wear and tear, is more evidence of victory than loss.