Highly Unnatural at Stuff

In an effort to stay on top of different fighting styles and

This is how aikido should look. It is
NOT how I look. 

because I don’t know when to just stop and be still, I started both aikido and iaido. I am a white belt all over again. And I have to say, it’s a shame there’s not a more novice color. I’m not completely lost in aikido. I know how to fall, flip and roll. I certainly know how to drop and tap the mat in submission! But, the beautiful flow of it? No, I’m not getting that. I’m as graceful as a silverback.

Now, imagine giving a silverback gorilla a wooden training sword. Yeah, that’s me in iaido. I’m terrible at it. We did three katas today. A “kata” is like a dance routine for fighting. I did each at least 15 times and didn’t get any right even once. And I have no idea what any of the katas are called. It’s all in Japanese. Plus I have a partner that speaks to me in Portuguese – that’s on me though. I requested she not speak English. I want to learn Portuguese. Maybe an environment where I’m completely lost as it is isn’t the best classroom for it.

Any who, long story short, I cried all the way home from iaido today. Y’all, I’m a 45 year old woman and I ugly cried on the toll way because I am bad with a bokken! That’s one Japanese word I know. It means “wooden sword.” I also know the word for stop. “Yamee.” I hear that a lot. I won’t lie.

This is a bokken just like the one I use
in class - which is actually the sensei's
bokken. He lets me use it because,
bless him, he wants me to do well.

Truth is, I wasn’t crying about iaido and the fact that I held my sword edge up TWICE!!!!! (Ok, three times. Oh, the embarrassment.) I cried because I end up crying over every fighting style/martial art I have ever done. None of it comes easy to me. I have never once been accused of being a “natural” at any of it. If anything, I am an “unnatural” at all of it. I have to do something at least a hundred times, not exaggerating, before I understand it. Not to get it right, just to understand it. Getting it right takes much longer. Truly there is a special place in heaven for anyone who has had to coach me.

So what’s the point here? Well, I'm writing all this because it’s ok to be “unnatural” at stuff. It’s ok to be the one who has to run harder to keep up with the back of the pack (me). It’s ok to be the one asking the question everyone else seems to know the answer to (me). It’s ok to be the last one out of a white belt (me) and the first one passed over for advancement (me). It’s ok to be lost, to tap out, to cry on the drive home with folks passing you and honking because your eyes are too squinted to drive the full 75mph (me again x3). Because in every one of those instances, you’re still in it. You’re still giving something. Being good at nothing is ok. Doing nothing isn’t. 

 So, all ye who aren’t naturally great at stuff, all you “unnaturals,” consider me your kin. Let us fly our flags proudly…backwards. We aren’t winning at everything. But, dang it, we ain’t giving up, we aren’t being beaten or dissuaded from what it is we want to do. We don’t do something because it’s easy or we’ll get a trophy in the end. We do what we do because we want to do it. Our victories will and do come in time and man, we do appreciate them. We are humbled by them because we worked our tails off for them. We don’t grab a pot and bang it with a wooden spoon announcing our success. We did things for our own satisfaction. Otherwise, we would have quit long ago.

Have the strength to be bad at something. I mean, really, really bad. Be awful. Fail lots. Fall lots. And keep fighting. Turn that bokken over, edge down, then just get back to swinging that thing. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.  You are not the sum total of your failures. Nor are you the sum of your successes. You are just you. And that’s enough. You ain’t got to be the best. All you got to do is just be you. If you are a natural at anything, it’s just being yourself.