My Red Roots

   I have always had questions about my roots, from whence I come. Oh, I’ve been told likely stories of Scotland, England and Native America but none of those have struck a chord with me. Something some how in some way was missing and that thing kept me from embracing who or, in this case what, I truly am. Until now. Behold, the mystery hath been solved. Exhibit A (that means look at the pic on the left): I am a vampire. You can see me here in my cage fresh off a kill. 

It is utterly ridiculous that I am realizing what I am only after having seen the pictorial evidence. Here’s why…
Fact: I fairly well burst into flames just seeing a picture of the sun. Seriously, my bathing suit is basically a burka. I’m pretty sure the lifeguards have reported me to homeland security. I totally fit the “profile”. That and I also scream out words that sound like Arabic but aren’t. I have found that if the table at the water park that I want is occupied, all I have to do is float over in my dark Angel of Death suit and scream out in my Persian gibberish and ta-da, free table. Of course, I also do that just ‘cause I dislike people (I’ll get back to that) and that act gives me a pretty wide berth.

Fact: I dislike people. That too speaks to my vampiric nature. You would think I would like people since I need them to survive but not so. Being raised in a human guise must have made me subconsciously shun, yea verily despise, my natural taste for people and I, therefore,  developed a distaste for them. People are the worst mammals next to bats (I’ll get back to that). They always want to you say stuff and do stuff and not throw things at them. (note: i love my children. just want to put that out there.)


Fact: Bats are awful. More evidence that I am a vampire and have been raised to shun my nature. Bats are little, hairy, pig-faced, goblins that fly. They fly! Do you understand the implications of that! They can fly into your hair, get caught and you would have to be decapitated because you would be ruined forever. There is no going back to society after a bat has been caught in your hair! You would be in a constant state of flashback. How could you not? And, have you seen them fly, their bodies I mean? They have for real bodies with arms and legs and pot bellies and they just spread their creepy skin wings and fling it all out there like little perverts. They don’t even try to cover up their stuff. They are awful. End of discussion.

You may be thinking that me being in a photo proves that I am not a vampire. Fact: that theory has never been validated. Also, my parents surely knew of my “situation”, I mean, they took a pic of me in my blood soaked glory and it is highly possible, they had a special camera capable of such. But again, who said we couldn’t be captured in pictures? Probably vampires that just hated school picture day. I think that's also where the whole "glittery in sunlight" mumbo jumbo started. I said that as a excuse to avoid the sun as well as being in a bathing suit in public way before I knew I was an undead.

I would also like to submit that the picture of me could simply show that as a baby, I enjoyed the taste of lipstick. Maybe.

The End.