Pork and Beans With a Side of Anxiety

Pork...the other white meat.

I know in my last post I said I would write about what’s great about Asperger’s syndrome. And, I will. I just need more time. It’s hard for me ‘cause it’s very personal. I mean, it’s my kid and it gets me all emotional…so let’s just settle down, ok? Let’s just all relax! I will get to it!  

Speaking of my son, he loves guinea pigs. There’s one at school that he has wrapped in a blanket and rocked to sleep. Seriously. He and that little cavy both relax in one another’s presence which, for my son, is a precious thing. He struggles greatly with anxiety as most Asperger’s kids do. I think we’d all be anxious if, like autistic folks, we heard every sound, noticed every light, smelled everything, tasted every ingredient, felt the smallest

Pork and Beans. This is the best
pic I could get of the two as they
are loathe to stand still and pose!

temperature change and were “on” all the time. But, I digress. 

So, we decided to add guinea pigs to our household. And, because I went to gifted school and am an idiot savant - emphasis on the former - , I did not read up on them at all. I had no idea what I was in for. I knew the one guinea pig from the one teacher’s class and my first impression was: that pink bottom lip is creepy. BUT, for the sake of my son, I will do anything, including walk blindly into rodent ownership.

This is an actual guinea pig,
a Peruvian. It's the Donald
Trump of cavies.

We went to the pet store and my kiddos picked out two. Ya need to get two, I did know that. They are community creatures and according to the sales gal, can, in fact, die of loneliness. I did not know that! I also did not know that we would have to leave them untouched in their cage for at least three days to avoid stressing them out and giving them a heart attack. Yes, a little heart attack. (As this is an issue, shouldn’t the pet store automatically give you a “Borrower” sized automatic defibrillator machine? Some little nitro glycerin pills? Something!) Apparently they are anxious creatures. In the wild, (Do they really exist in the wild? Do they? Especially the ones that look like four footed toupees.) they are all prey all the time so they must be on their guard always. Which, yes, lends itself to anxiety.

So, we got them home and my son named them Pork and Beans much to the chagrin of his sister who wanted one to be Captain Cuddles, which is a pretty awesome name. We put those tribbles in their cage and they lost their hairy minds! They scurried and I have to say, weeks later, they still scurry. It doesn’t matter how often I talk to them, and I do, feed them, and I do, they still dart around that cage like I am gonna pop one of them into my mouth Jabba the Hut style.

Here is what I have learned about guinea pigs since becoming an owner:

1. They are emotional creatures. They talk nonstop telling you of their woes and constant hunger. However, they don’t talk to you directly. You come close and they clam up. But, oh, you turn around and they are all, “wheep, wheep, we need service over here!”

2. They also avoid eye contact. They look to the side of me, it seems. Obviously eye contact with the likes of a beast such as I is too much for them what with their delicate hearts and all.

Still one of my favorite shows ever!

3. They are funny about being touched. Some days they are fine with it, other days they panic. And, you can’t push it with the touching. Remember, they will keel over from anxiety: cavy cardio infarction. That is ever present on my mind. Seriously. I imagine them standing up, putting their four fingered paw over their heart Fred Sanford style and squeeling, “Elizabeth, I’m coming to join you honey,” as they deposit another five dozen poops in their food bowl.

4. They are picky eaters. Today they like carrots, tomorrow no and careful what greens you feed them or they will explode with intestinal gas like hairy, over-filled, party balloons.

5. They are sensitive to the temperature of the house.

6. They are sensitive to loud sounds.

7. They are sensitive to very bright lights and sometimes need their cage covered with a blanket. They will feel more safe that way and they need little shelters to run into as well. Being out in the open can overwhelm them. And, you know what that can cause…

8. They purr (yes, really) but the purr sounds strangely like the brrrr, a sound they use to express anger. So, you never know what you’re getting. It’s really messed up. Love/hate/love/hate - loves me/loves me not/loves me/loves me not. I went to middle school already, ok? I don’t need that type of emotional roller coaster again.

Look at our cat at the top
right of the pin. She watches
those pigs like they're
Game of Thrones!

9. Speaking of hate, hell hath no fury like a guinea pig scorned. They can get royally ticked off out of nowhere and even though they won’t hurt you, they got those teeth so you are very aware they COULD hurt you. (I have run the scenario through my head many times, them gnawing my face off, and the horror would shock Wes Craven.)

10. They do not like change. Don’t go switching bedding or furniture around in their cage. It causes them great anxiety. (Insert death dirge)

11. They are funny about how you touch them. Beans will buck your hand away if you touch her head but purrs when I scratch her back. I think she is purring. She may be lashing me with lower food chain curses. Pork still freezes when I pet her. Again, Jabba the Hut syndrome. 

So, I went and bought two little anxiety-ridden creatures that are hyper sensitive to the

My son holding Beans and
talking to either her butt or
face. Hard to tell the two apart!

world around them because they are constantly “on”. They are touchy about sound, lights, touch, tastes, have delicate constitutions, always need a safe place to hide and have proven themselves to be nothing if not mercurial. In essence, people, I have upped the autistic population of my household 300%.  Wait...(mathing, mathing...) 200%! Again, IDIOT savant here. Or, you can just go with idiot. It is what it is.

On a good note, these little poop machines remind me what my little man is going through every moment of everyday. If I can remain calm with these pigs, in which I have no vested interest outside of a little cash and more sanity than I care to admit, I can summon a little more patience with my kid in whom I have invested nearly ten years. I now understand why he loves these fur balls like he does. The world may not see it, but inside, just like Pork and Beans, he is scurrying too. And, he is looking to me to reassure him that everything will be ok, that he won’t be gobbled up by the world Jabba the Hut style.

Now, if you will excuse me, the door bell just rang and I need to make sure the cavies haven’t gone teets up with fright. “Hold on Pork and Beans! Don’t go into the light!”