What You Are About to See Is Real.

    All of the items you are about to see, are real. You can buy them. And, not just in Colorado or the other states where pot is legal. Some are pics of the actual items. Some are "artist" renderings as a photo of the actual thing is maybe more than the human eye can handle.

    What is this? Seriously!  What. Is. This? And furthermore,

I saw this in the Sunday newspaper and took a pic of it. There
was another devoted to a college team my husband said
I am not allowed to mention because they are having a hard enough
time right now. But rest assured, the baby's face is the same and
the team is from Texas. I'm sorry.

 who is buying it? ‘Cause somebody is! The company got the money to make this ad from somewhere. Who looks at this and thinks, yes, this is a thing I must own. It would unconstipate my feng shui. My earth element and creepy element have really had a disconnect. But, this, this crotch grabbing, obese baby, it will be a bridge between them. My home will then be in harmony. Get the credit card, Ethel...

     There are so, so many things wrong with this, whatever this is. But, first things first. Why is this little pervert grabbing its, whatever it’s got going on down there? I don’t know to what extent the company has gone to make this physically accurate. They sure seemed to have taken great care with the fat rolls. Look at the wrists on this corpulent little fella. Good grief, the whole arm looks like the under side of a croissant. 

    And a crease in the middle of the chest? How much rice cereal does a baby have to eat to get a fat roll there? Even the bottom of its feet are chubby. That’s why it’s sitting up, it sure couldn’t supports its weight on those little fat feet and if it laid down, it would suffocate under its own weight. Like an elephant. 

    (By the way, when does this much fat become unacceptable? Why can’t I, a grown woman, flaunt my leg cheese and have somebody say, “oh, look at those chubby little legs! So cute! Who’s a precious girl? You are! You’re a precious girl.”)

    Also, the message of this whole…display…seems to be that the baby is eager for Sunday so that it may watch not just football, but the Texans. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I would like to submit that its forlorn expression is not anticipatory of watching the Texans play, but in fact because it has actually seen the Texans play. I have seen this same look on my husband. (Ironically, he also watches the game while sitting on a red blanket half naked. Don’t judge.)

      Now, I know what you’re thinking. I would never buy this. But, I would buy something creepier.  Like, oh, I don’t know, a baby orangutan wearing human pajamas. Well, my eccentric friend, this is your lucky day. Behold:

Screen shot. NOT a real ape
baby that I keep in my home.

       Yes, this too is available for purchase for the low, low price of $139. And, if one disturbingly realistic, juvenile ape in a onesie just isn’t enough for you. Don’t fret...

I wonder if the folks who buy these
remember how strong apes are. These
guys could literally pull your arms off
and then beat you to death with them.

      In case you're wondering, the chest comes with it which is invaluable for night time, when you’d need to lock them up. From the looks of these little twin tricksters, they are just waiting for somebody to fall asleep so that can set their face on fire. Then they’d laugh and laugh.

The Duke indeed.

        If that bothers you, I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you are ok with killer baby orangutans. If you aren’t though, might I suggest you place this picture of The Duke over your bed. It is sure to give those pesky killer apes something to think about. And, yes, they will see it at night, ‘cause guess what! It lights up. That sucker glows like a gun slinging seraphim! 

But, let's say you're a tough customer. Let's say that doesn’t give you a real sense of security. In that case, there’s always this:

    Now, lest ye think this is a political commentary in any way, it’s not. I’ve just never loved any president so much that I just had to see his face on the arm pit of an eagle. 

    But, you know, maybe I’m jaded. Perhaps I need to something to breathe fresh life into me, inspire me. Remind me that the world is full of beauty, joy and oh, here it is…

Nothing like a boyfriend who can hand you
a bouquet then gently stroke your
cheek with his toes.

Honorable mention.

I Heart Zombies to Death

Ok, now I realize that this post seems a bit of a contradiction to last week’s wherein I made it very clear I didn’t want to rub elbows with the undead at the grocery store. And, I still stand by that assertion as well as the fact that I don’t like to be frightened. HOWEVER, I do love zombie stories, movies and shows. I can’t help myself. And yes, I know the season premier of The Walking Dead comes on this Sunday. Rest assured I will watch it. On Monday. During the day. Doors locked. Cross bow on the couch next to me on one side and on the other, a friend I can outrun.

I couldn't bring myself to put in an actual
zombie picture. I love 'em. But I don't want
to look at 'em!

The thing about zombie stories though, the thing that keeps me and millions others wandering back to them like, well zombies, isn’t the undead. It’s the living. The people trying to live life on the run while furiously holding onto everything that was anything in their previous life, that’s what we’re tuning in to see. Because, in an apocalyptic event, all that matters in life is all that ever really mattered in life. Well, and big trucks. And shovels. And cross bows. Basically any weapon that doesn’t require you to get less than an arm’s length away. And a can opener. Those seem to matter a lot too. However, the trappings of modern society: money, fame, being up-to-date with your Botox, won’t add up to a hill of beans. (Hills of beans are also useful btw.)

I have to admit though, as well as the stories of those fighting the zombies, there are some things I especially like about the moldy suckers themselves. As emissaries of doom they are far superior to vampires (sparkly and non alike), werewolves, aliens…you name it. Here’s why:

1.  They aren’t conflicted.  You won’t see a zombie questioning the curse of his state or the eternal consequences of it.  They are simple creatures and need no support group to help them flesh out their feelings. Pun intended. 

2.  You don’t have to worry about a zombie putting gel in his hair, sporting a tight t-shirt and dating your daughter.  Won’t happen.  And, you don’t have to worry about your kid wanting to be one either.  There are actual clinical disorders where people believe they are vampires and werewolves. But not zombies.

3.  They are not smarter than you. In fact, they are down right stupid.  They do not consort with a pack or coven to plot against you and don’t have any strategy at all beyond moving faster.

4.  Speaking of moving, you got to respect that kind of cardio out of creatures that basically do nothing but shuffle around all day. 

5. As a former sprint coach (I really was), I find the speed of zombies down right impressive. Even with half a leg, no shoe on their one foot and poor running form, they can really go. However, if you have a bike of any kind, you are good. Simple as that. The same cannot be said about werewolves and vampires. If you got one of them on your tail, your souped up road bike will do nothing but make you a meal that delivers itself.

6.  And on conveyance, if zombies take over, you can officially quit feeling guilty for buying a huge, all terrain, gas guzzler. And, minivans will no longer be tokens of middle class shame. That’s right, raise your fists with me mommas of the world. When the walkers come, we’ll be like Han Solo in the Millennium Falcon and, while escaping the decay of living death, our passengers can watch a BlueRay! Who’ll be laughing then, huh? You will not, I repeat, will not make it through a zombie mob in a smart car. It will end up like the parsley sprig on a fancy dinner. They'll toss it away and eat the meat!

7.  Zombies are really persistent and I admire that in anybody. Vampires and werewolves give in when the sun’s out. Not zombies. Yes, I realize that is a bit of a negative as well but, it’s not like you have to wonder what they will do next.  Zombies will do what they have been doing.  Period. (See #3) 

8.  They aren’t complicated. They don’t shape shift, require special bullets, herbs or the ilk. You don’t have to call in a specialist to get rid of them. Unless you just want to and, if you do, call Daryl. 

9. Daryl. He is something I love about zombies. Not because he’s hot or full of big city learnin’. Darryl, like zombies, is a simple creature. He’s the hammer in the tool box. (I’ll write on that theory soon.)

10.  And finally, in comparison to zombies, I am gorgeous. Seriously. Even zombie Sofia Vergera couldn’t begin to compete. Her curves wouldn’t be attracting men like flies, they would literally be attracting flies. My diminutive, understated, non blow-fly bloated physique would be superior. And if Ryan Gosling and I are the only non-zombies left, I give him a month of seeing decaying supermodels before he feels the same. 

So, if you have spurned zombies in the past, I urge you to give them a chance. (Their feelings won’t be hurt if you don’t though.) Watch the people living in the ever-present  echo of their shuffling gate. Consider the options of survivors, what they deem important (faith, family, weaponry) and look at your life. Consider what’s important to you and how much of it would stand the test of an undead apocalypse. And, the next time you find yourself in a quandary, ask yourself if whatever it is would matter as much when the zombies come. (They will.) You’ll be surprised how often it gives you perspective and helps you make the right decision. And, if not, if it doesn’t help at all, you can at least find comfort in the fact that you aren’t having to make that decision under threat of zombie attack. 

For now…

I Don't Want to Buy Cheese from a Zombie

My writer/editor pal Ben made that arm!
Pretty stinkin' cool!

I’m not a big fan of Halloween. I do love how my neighborhood comes alive with kids dressed as fairies, firemen, anyone from Star Wars or, in the case of my kids this year, batgirl and a banana. Yes, a banana. (I just went with it. He was an orange last year. Whatever.) I also love any opportunity to pull out the curling iron, Aqua Net, leg warmers and rock the 80s look again. I love pumpkins and pumpkin flavored things. And, who doesn’t love the Reese’s pumpkins? Are you kidding me? They’re awesome. They have more sugar than regular Reese’s cups. True story. I saw it on the Food Channel.  

I truly will take any opportunity to dress in 80s
regalia. My hair was a thing of wonder. People
could look upon it and be healed!

HOWEVER, I startle easy. I always have. I’m, as they say in the South, wound tight. I like to think of it as cat-like reflexes but, I will go with wound tight. I’m not easily scared by challenges and very rarely, very, very rarely intimidated by people. So, it’s not a matter of having a timid spirit. There’s just a few things for which I have a low tolerance, overt evil for one and clowns for another. Here are a few other things that really bug me…

1. I hate walking into my local drugstore and having something on a string fly at my face. Why do they do that? It’s hooked up to the door in some way and when you walk in, screech, screech, there it is! I’m in a drugstore, ok? Nobody goes to the drugstore because of their great selection of one type of toilet paper or low prices on nothing. No. If I’m in a drugstore I’m picking up medicine because somebody is sick or because I don’t have the energy to go to the grocery store. The last thing I need at 9:30PM when I’m just praying I can get that bottle of pepto before hell is unleashed in my pants, is a critter on a string flying at me! Ok?
2. On that line of thought, I also don’t care for statues reaching out at me, turning toward me and/or screaming at me. This is a craft store standard and it is just wrong. And you know it’s going to happen. You see the statue thingy there but the stupid popsicle sticks you need for your kid’s school project are right beside it. So you take a breath, reach for the popsicle sticks and the motion sensor magic thing in the statue go off and it lunges for you. During what other holiday is this acceptable??? Sure at Christmas, a Santa may sing. But it doesn’t make a move for you and laugh sadistically afterward. And, tell me this, how do you think it would go over if these craft stores put Jesus statues out at Easter that when you walked past, they reached out and yelled, “I’m back from the dead!” Are you kidding me? People would pitch a fit saying their civil rights were violated. Oh yeah? Well so are mine when a hand reaches up out of a candy bowl at me. I have a right to get a Reese’s pumpkin without fear of retaliation from the bowl!
3. Please explain to me how is it ok for people to throw severed body parts around their yard during Halloween? There are folks in my neighborhood that have smoking cauldrens/altars with bloody leg stumps hanging out. I tell you, in October, if you really are a serial killer, you can just let it all hang out, throw your issues out in the street, literally, and nobody will say a word. (Except, you might get a Creepiest House award from the HOA.) I have a right to go to the mailbox without stepping over a severed finger or tolerating a Chucky doll staring at me from somebody’s upstairs window. If I sat in my upstairs window and made a face like that and ogled folks as they walked to the mailbox, my HOA would send a letter posthaste and I would be butchered on the neighborhood FB page by the very people that have a Chucky doll looking out their upstairs window and severed heads on their porch! 
4. Also, I should be able to watch Jimmy Fallon without having to close my eyes during the commercials. Look, I like shows like The Walking Dead, but I know what I’m about to see and I watch that show like normal people: during the day, with the shades up, the house alarm on and with a cross bow beside me. But, before I have a chance to fast forward through commercials on late night shows, a clown rushes up at the screen at me. A CLOWN! Are you kidding me? You shouldn’t be able to put something like that on TV unless the TV can also dispense anti anxiety medication during said commercial. A….CLOWN!!!!!! 
5. Speaking of Walking Dead, don’t show up at my door with an ax in your head. Period. And, I don’t want to see your 2 year old as a zombie either. The Walking Dead won’t even show zombie babies. That should tell you something. And, while I’m on the subject, I also don’t want to see them at the express check out at Kroger and certainly not behind the deli counter. You do realize that if (when!) a zombie apocalypse happens, lots of people are going to be killed not in the street, not on a bus or other public place difficult to escape, but while buying baby swiss or for the simple fact they only needed to buy fewer than 12 items.

  There’s no tidy ending to this post, no nice recap. I’m too creeped out by the clown thing to continue…