Ok, now I realize that this post seems a bit of a contradiction to last week’s wherein I made it very clear I didn’t want to rub elbows with the undead at the grocery store. And, I still stand by that assertion as well as the fact that I don’t like to be frightened. HOWEVER, I do love zombie stories, movies and shows. I can’t help myself. And yes, I know the season premier of The Walking Dead comes on this Sunday. Rest assured I will watch it. On Monday. During the day. Doors locked. Cross bow on the couch next to me on one side and on the other, a friend I can outrun.
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| I couldn't bring myself to put in an actual zombie picture. I love 'em. But I don't want to look at 'em! |
The thing about zombie stories though, the thing that keeps me and millions others wandering back to them like, well zombies, isn’t the undead. It’s the living. The people trying to live life on the run while furiously holding onto everything that was anything in their previous life, that’s what we’re tuning in to see. Because, in an apocalyptic event, all that matters in life is all that ever really mattered in life. Well, and big trucks. And shovels. And cross bows. Basically any weapon that doesn’t require you to get less than an arm’s length away. And a can opener. Those seem to matter a lot too. However, the trappings of modern society: money, fame, being up-to-date with your Botox, won’t add up to a hill of beans. (Hills of beans are also useful btw.)
I have to admit though, as well as the stories of those fighting the zombies, there are some things I especially like about the moldy suckers themselves. As emissaries of doom they are far superior to vampires (sparkly and non alike), werewolves, aliens…you name it. Here’s why:
1. They aren’t conflicted. You won’t see a zombie questioning the curse of his state or the eternal consequences of it. They are simple creatures and need no support group to help them flesh out their feelings. Pun intended.
2. You don’t have to worry about a zombie putting gel in his hair, sporting a tight t-shirt and dating your daughter. Won’t happen. And, you don’t have to worry about your kid wanting to be one either. There are actual clinical disorders where people believe they are vampires and werewolves. But not zombies.
3. They are not smarter than you. In fact, they are down right stupid. They do not consort with a pack or coven to plot against you and don’t have any strategy at all beyond moving faster.
4. Speaking of moving, you got to respect that kind of cardio out of creatures that basically do nothing but shuffle around all day.
5. As a former sprint coach (I really was), I find the speed of zombies down right impressive. Even with half a leg, no shoe on their one foot and poor running form, they can really go. However, if you have a bike of any kind, you are good. Simple as that. The same cannot be said about werewolves and vampires. If you got one of them on your tail, your souped up road bike will do nothing but make you a meal that delivers itself.
6. And on conveyance, if zombies take over, you can officially quit feeling guilty for buying a huge, all terrain, gas guzzler. And, minivans will no longer be tokens of middle class shame. That’s right, raise your fists with me mommas of the world. When the walkers come, we’ll be like Han Solo in the Millennium Falcon and, while escaping the decay of living death, our passengers can watch a BlueRay! Who’ll be laughing then, huh? You will not, I repeat, will not make it through a zombie mob in a smart car. It will end up like the parsley sprig on a fancy dinner. They'll toss it away and eat the meat!
7. Zombies are really persistent and I admire that in anybody. Vampires and werewolves give in when the sun’s out. Not zombies. Yes, I realize that is a bit of a negative as well but, it’s not like you have to wonder what they will do next. Zombies will do what they have been doing. Period. (See #3)
8. They aren’t complicated. They don’t shape shift, require special bullets, herbs or the ilk. You don’t have to call in a specialist to get rid of them. Unless you just want to and, if you do, call Daryl.
9. Daryl. He is something I love about zombies. Not because he’s hot or full of big city learnin’. Darryl, like zombies, is a simple creature. He’s the hammer in the tool box. (I’ll write on that theory soon.)
10. And finally, in comparison to zombies, I am gorgeous. Seriously. Even zombie Sofia Vergera couldn’t begin to compete. Her curves wouldn’t be attracting men like flies, they would literally be attracting flies. My diminutive, understated, non blow-fly bloated physique would be superior. And if Ryan Gosling and I are the only non-zombies left, I give him a month of seeing decaying supermodels before he feels the same.
So, if you have spurned zombies in the past, I urge you to give them a chance. (Their feelings won’t be hurt if you don’t though.) Watch the people living in the ever-present echo of their shuffling gate. Consider the options of survivors, what they deem important (faith, family, weaponry) and look at your life. Consider what’s important to you and how much of it would stand the test of an undead apocalypse. And, the next time you find yourself in a quandary, ask yourself if whatever it is would matter as much when the zombies come. (They will.) You’ll be surprised how often it gives you perspective and helps you make the right decision. And, if not, if it doesn’t help at all, you can at least find comfort in the fact that you aren’t having to make that decision under threat of zombie attack.
For now…
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