What You Are About to See Is Real.

    All of the items you are about to see, are real. You can buy them. And, not just in Colorado or the other states where pot is legal. Some are pics of the actual items. Some are "artist" renderings as a photo of the actual thing is maybe more than the human eye can handle.

    What is this? Seriously!  What. Is. This? And furthermore,

I saw this in the Sunday newspaper and took a pic of it. There
was another devoted to a college team my husband said
I am not allowed to mention because they are having a hard enough
time right now. But rest assured, the baby's face is the same and
the team is from Texas. I'm sorry.

 who is buying it? ‘Cause somebody is! The company got the money to make this ad from somewhere. Who looks at this and thinks, yes, this is a thing I must own. It would unconstipate my feng shui. My earth element and creepy element have really had a disconnect. But, this, this crotch grabbing, obese baby, it will be a bridge between them. My home will then be in harmony. Get the credit card, Ethel...

     There are so, so many things wrong with this, whatever this is. But, first things first. Why is this little pervert grabbing its, whatever it’s got going on down there? I don’t know to what extent the company has gone to make this physically accurate. They sure seemed to have taken great care with the fat rolls. Look at the wrists on this corpulent little fella. Good grief, the whole arm looks like the under side of a croissant. 

    And a crease in the middle of the chest? How much rice cereal does a baby have to eat to get a fat roll there? Even the bottom of its feet are chubby. That’s why it’s sitting up, it sure couldn’t supports its weight on those little fat feet and if it laid down, it would suffocate under its own weight. Like an elephant. 

    (By the way, when does this much fat become unacceptable? Why can’t I, a grown woman, flaunt my leg cheese and have somebody say, “oh, look at those chubby little legs! So cute! Who’s a precious girl? You are! You’re a precious girl.”)

    Also, the message of this whole…display…seems to be that the baby is eager for Sunday so that it may watch not just football, but the Texans. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I would like to submit that its forlorn expression is not anticipatory of watching the Texans play, but in fact because it has actually seen the Texans play. I have seen this same look on my husband. (Ironically, he also watches the game while sitting on a red blanket half naked. Don’t judge.)

      Now, I know what you’re thinking. I would never buy this. But, I would buy something creepier.  Like, oh, I don’t know, a baby orangutan wearing human pajamas. Well, my eccentric friend, this is your lucky day. Behold:

Screen shot. NOT a real ape
baby that I keep in my home.

       Yes, this too is available for purchase for the low, low price of $139. And, if one disturbingly realistic, juvenile ape in a onesie just isn’t enough for you. Don’t fret...

I wonder if the folks who buy these
remember how strong apes are. These
guys could literally pull your arms off
and then beat you to death with them.

      In case you're wondering, the chest comes with it which is invaluable for night time, when you’d need to lock them up. From the looks of these little twin tricksters, they are just waiting for somebody to fall asleep so that can set their face on fire. Then they’d laugh and laugh.

The Duke indeed.

        If that bothers you, I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you are ok with killer baby orangutans. If you aren’t though, might I suggest you place this picture of The Duke over your bed. It is sure to give those pesky killer apes something to think about. And, yes, they will see it at night, ‘cause guess what! It lights up. That sucker glows like a gun slinging seraphim! 

But, let's say you're a tough customer. Let's say that doesn’t give you a real sense of security. In that case, there’s always this:

    Now, lest ye think this is a political commentary in any way, it’s not. I’ve just never loved any president so much that I just had to see his face on the arm pit of an eagle. 

    But, you know, maybe I’m jaded. Perhaps I need to something to breathe fresh life into me, inspire me. Remind me that the world is full of beauty, joy and oh, here it is…

Nothing like a boyfriend who can hand you
a bouquet then gently stroke your
cheek with his toes.

Honorable mention.