Skating Lessons

My kids are at the age where party invites have slowly gravitated toward a skating rink theme. I couldn’t be more pleased. If I have to go to another pizza and video game deal with a creepy mechanical

His shirt reads, "zip"! Am I the
only one that finds that
hilarious. Normally I find simians
on wheels kinda terrifying. (see below)

animal band again, I will set my face on fire. (I had a business name here but my husband made me take it out for fear of a defamation lawsuit. I told him its only defamation if it’s not true and I really might set my face on fire and two, everybody who reads my blog knows most of what I say is tongue-in-cheek. Except in this case. I really hate that restaurant. But…I digress.)

Recently I went skating with both kiddos for the first time and here are some things I learned:

1. A supposition I have long held was solidly reinforced: my kids think I am physically retarded. Whenever I show any

   

   I had a pair JUST LIKE this.
   They never fit well and I never
   took them to the rink. I needs my
   ankle support.

   manner of coordination, they act like they are witnessing nothing short of a miracle. So, to see me moving upright on eight wheels held the same sway as me levitating or raising the dead. My son said, “how can a 42 year old skate so well?” After I mentally digested then spit him up like a hair ball, I told him that’s what my generation did when we were his age.
2. The rink still has the staples: a disco ball, flashing lights, crummy food and bathroom tile that is more difficult to traverse than The Grand Canyon. 
3. There are still girls skating in shorts just long enough to fit the definition. There are exactly two and they are friends.
4. The rink refs still flirt with said girls in short shorts.

   

   You know what that is in blue? It's a baboon on roller
   skates and the protagonist of my next nightmare!

5. The DJ still thinks he wields the power of Thor. I can only assume they are all on, and always have been on, just enough pharmaceuticals to keep them from obsessively throwing their hands up and laughing maniacally. I say just enough because you can still hear the threat of such actions in their tone. In the 70’s, they didn’t take said medication and yes, every rink DJ did at some point throw his hands up and laughed like a crazy person. Usually during an AC/DC song. Or Funky Town. The later I think out of frustration.
6. The glass ceiling of female skating rink DJs has yet to be broken. I pray the Susan B Anthony of Skating Rink DJ-ery soon rolls forward.
7. The cool, low rise, speed skates have been overtaken by

   

   Note all the in-line skaters. It's a real problem,
   I tell ya!

   inline skates and my feelings toward the in-liners are the same as skiers toward snow boarders: they are all bastards. They are ruining the purity of the sport and turning it into some filthy, hootchie-cootchie display. (And, I wish I were one.)
8. They’ve come up with this PVC pipe deal that looks like a cruel joke for elderly little people. It’s basically a walker on wheels that fledgling skaters can use to help them skate. I see these contraptions as just another way we as a society are coddling our children. Kids should ride on the handlebars of their friend’s bikes (standing when possible), slide down a metal slide that holds the heat of a thousand suns and bust their rumps while skating. Yeah, sometimes you end up breaking a few bones, busting a few heads, irreparably damaging a growth plate or three. That’s life! These rolling walkers make the kids lean

   

   Imagine trying to pass a half dozen of these
   at once. It's an exercise in terror.

   forward and does not teach them balance at all. To learn to skate you have to hold somebody’s hand, preferably two - one on either side - toddle around like you're coming off a hallucinogenic, then bust it and take everyone down with you. Sure, the walkers let the younger kids and random awkward adults have fun while learning. But it creates a gauntlet of horror for everyone who can skate and prolongs the learning process which keeps the darn things on the floor. (These things cost a pretty penny to rent. So, basically, modern skating rinks are in the business of keeping you not skating so you will continue renting the contraptions. Wake up people! It's the US health care system with neon shoe laces!) 
9. Kids still wear 80s clothes.  
10. There are still a couple creepy adults with mustaches on the floor that can’t seem to let go of their childhood. (Last week, that was me.)