Why All The Dinosaurs Are Dead

I love dinosaurs. There, I’ve said it. So, sue me. If there’s a

NatGeo thing on about them, I’m gonna watch it. Especially if said thing is theoretically pitting them against one another or showing them in uber real CGI. Yes, please. More. Of that. And Jurassic Park, the movie? Are you kidding me? I LOVE IT! I know every scene and the music playing in it. (Dotson, we’ve got Dotson here!) I’ve seen the others as well. Not as a big a fan of those but that hasn’t stopped me from seeing them each multiple times. 

I’m so excited about Jurassic World coming out that I’m giddy. I’m even taking my 9 year old twins who are as big a fans of dinosaurs as I. My daughter can identify them by shadow alone. Yes, I know the movie is PG13 and violent. But, as my son said, “mom, they’re dinosaurs. That’s how they are.” I agree. Also, my parents took me to see Jaws in the theater. Yes. Jaws. I was in elementary school and, just to sweeten the psychological damage, we lived near the Gulf of

Wrong. Not photoshopped.

Mexico. But, see? I turned out relatively ok, despite the trauma. For those of you who are too young to know, there was no PG13 back then. Yes, Jaws (one of the best movies ever made - we need a bigger boat) was PG. So, that’s how I’m seeing this. It’s only PG13 because it’s coming out in 2015 and not the 70s. 

Ok, so I have established how excited I am. And, of course, somebody is going to try to ruin it. On this occasion, it is the PC police. The PC poe poe are trying to say the movie is sexist because of how Bryce Dallas Howard’s character changes from an icy business woman into a more “feminine” motherly character. Then there’s some gobbildy gook about how “femininity is a social construct blah blah blah.” Look, I have g/b twins. They were raised in the same room with all the same toys. They each gravitated toward a certain type of toy which just happened to coincide with their gender. I didn’t make them do it. (BTW, PC poe poe, women’s aggressive instinct is driven by estrogen and tends to create a befriend and defend response. A woman with a child near her - even when it is not her own - is deadlier than a woman alone. So, of course BDH’s character is different when put in a perilous situation with children nearby. She’s deadlier. It’s called science. Look it up.)

But, I digress. This entire post is about my finally understanding why the dinosaurs died out. Here is how things would go now if the thunder lizards were still among us: (ehem - the scene opens on two TRexes spying a group of people in the jungle)

TRex1: Let's eat the fat one! 

TRex2: You have no right to single him out because of his size. 

TRex1: But, he's slower. 

TRex2: He can't help that. 

TRex1: But, he's white... 

TRex2: He's of European descent and that's racist! 

TRex1: But, his color makes him easier to see here in the jungle. Never mind. Ok, How about the one with the long hair beside him. She has a juicy round belly. 

TRex2: She's pregnant, you sexist jerk. And, yes, she's a doctor too if you would look past her belly to the symbol on her shirt. She can be a doctor and pregnant. A woman can have a career and be a mother too. 

TRex1: What’s a symbol? Oh, that red thing on those big lumps? 

TRex2: Quit looking at her breasts! 

TRex1: What are breasts? Oh, look, there’s a brown one!

TRex2: He’s Native American. Don’t even think about it.

 TRex1: But, I’m hungry.

TRex2: Eat some vegetation.

TRex1: Our teeth aren’t really made for that.

TRex2: Quit thinking about yourself. Think about what’s best for the planet.

TRex1: What’s a planet? Never mind, I don’t care. I’m hungry and I’ve got babies to feed.

TRex2: Oh, so you are more important because you have babies? You’re more important because you procreate? What about the gay dinosaur couples? I guess they don’t get to eat because they can’t have little ones!

TRex1: What is gay? 

TRex2: You’re a pig.

TRex1: No, I’m a TRex.

TRex2: And so what does that mean? That you just get to kill indiscriminately? Go around terrorizing and eating anything smaller than you?

TRex1: Yeah, I think so.

TRex2: Fine. Go ahead. Eat one of them, if you think you can live with yourself.

TRex1: I have to eat one of them to live at all.

TRex2: You’re know, you’re part of the problem. You see race and gender and size and things that make anyone or anything different in any way and just exploit it for your own gain.

TRex1: I just see food. 

TRex2: You would.

TRex1: How about I just go lay in a tar pit and die. (walks away)

TRex2: Oh sure, just walk away. Go lay down in a tar pit and ruin the eco system.

(And scene. This is why there are no more dinosaurs. The Lord knew they wouldn't survive our political correctness. Yes, I said the Lord, as in the Father of Jesus Christ, my savior. Now...let the tirades begin!)