Not long ago, my friend Ben, a writer, editor, magazine owner and all around cool dude, sent me a writing job posting he had seen on a freelance site. He said it sounded like me. And, it did. The advert was looking for a gal with martial arts experience, the kind I have. There was also a short excerpt describing the character. I had to laugh when I read it. Her fighting style is just like mine. Yes, I have a fighting style. It’s basically a lot of spitting and dirt throwing. And manic screaming. Actually, my fighting style is a lot like me: close to the ground. My height is a bit of a disadvantage standing, but the ground is the great equalizer for me. I’m hard to hold onto, move quick and use my legs as much if not more than my arms. If you’re trying to imagine it, picture yourself trapped under a blanket with a crazed squirrel. (By the way, in that scenario, I'm the squirrel.)
The character was a mercenary sort. She killed good guys and liked it, drew out the process of killing often taking the person to the ground and choking them out with her legs. (That’s my schtick.) Now, I’m not much of a killer. In truth, I’ve hardly ever killed anybody that you know of, but I understand how people like her, like Gustavo Fring, Micheal Corleone and the ilk deal with it. Professional killers compartmentalize the act. They do it, then pack the memory of it in a box and tuck it into a dark corner of their brain. Yeah, I could write this gal’s character. And, after reading what some of the other applicants had written in response to the ad, I knew I could do it better than them. They all extolled their writing ability especially that of action scenes. My application simply read, “You’ve just described me.” The person who placed the ad got back to me within 15 minutes.
He was in the UK so the time difference proved an inconvenience. We needed to talk about the assignment more in depth, I had a lot of questions. Was it an established character or new? Would I be continuing an already created series or new one? Was it for a book or website? And, of course, how much would I get paid? No matter how many times I emailed the gentleman those questions, he answered none.
After several days of playing tag on Skype, we managed to discuss things more in depth via Google Messenger. Still, he answered none of the questions I had previously sent. However, when I asked him the character’s backstory, he quickly sent it along. Now, if you’re not a writer, backstory is the character’s past. Everything they have been through that has lead them to where and who they are now. The reader may never know it, but a writer must in order to make the character on the page into a three dimensional person, the kind a reader doesn’t just read about, but gets to know.
He sent the backstory and it was awful. The woman had been sexually abused as a child and became psychotic, killing small animals as well as another child. She loved killing and enjoyed her current job of killing “good guys.”
Now, you may be thinking that I had a problem with her having been abused sexually and the things she did as a result, and I was. But, that’s life. Those horrible things happen. However, they don’t happen the way he was describing them. Sexually abused girls don’t become psychotic. They may be psychotic but that would have been something that previously existed, a sickness that would have been exacerbated. Also, girls don’t kill small animals as a rule. Tragically, that’s a boy thing.
Also, the “man hurts woman so woman gets back at man,” thing has been done. I told him as much. And, what exactly was it about her experience that made her enjoy killing good guys in particular versus any guy? And, it might be a better idea if she didn’t enjoy killing as much as he said she did. People have a hard time keeping their mouth shut about things they love especially psychotics. They get careless because they are so wrapped up in their psychosis, they lose sight of how messy they are. I told him it might be better if she didn’t have an emotional attachment to the killing, if it was just a job, something she took out of and put back into a box in her brain. Her reasoning for hating “good guys”? Maybe she could have mob ties. Maybe the upright government types took her family from her and was raised by a still very connected uncle for the sole purpose of revenge. It was a matter of honor for her. Therefore, moral.
Now, for those of you thinking I was being rude, I was doing what he was supposedly wanting me to do. I was creating a person that would be written about. Not just a character. A living breathing entity whose life would be chronicled.
He didn’t respond to my suggestions, but rather sent me a scene he had written. I shot it full of holes too. I asked him why, if, as the scene described, she was trying to be quiet and remain unseen on the ship she had just secretly boarded, from the ocean, she would do so many loud things? Why would she trip a man then beat him up? That’s loud. Why not just break his neck? If she was keen in martial arts it would have been easy, quiet, quick and clean. Why did she run, in a wet frog suit no less, which would have left a trail of water that would have been seen?
After a good bit more of what all I just wrote, I finally sighed, shook my head, and told the man if he was still wanting me as his writer to let me know, and I bid him, “cheers.”
I called a girlfriend of mine that was probably as excited about the writing prospect as I. She’s a for realsy fighter and a good one. When I was telling her all of the issues I was having with the guy’s story, she interrupted me and said, “you’re too smart for this guy. You’re an actual writer.” Hmmm, I thought and let the concept roll around in my head. I’m an actual writer. Yeah, I am an actual writer.
The guy was well intentioned. Looking back at what he had written, I saw what he needed was more experience. He needed to study the craft of writing, study people, personality traits and idiosyncrasies, be raked over the coals and get lots and lots and then a whole lots more criticism. That’s part of it. It’s a lot like fighting. You’ve got to work at it even when you don’t want to, sweat it out, take your lumps and then get back up and do it all over again and the whole time, keep your eye on the masters and imitate them until you feel you can do it on your own. And, I’m telling you, you have to eat criticism with a smile without a wince because it’s the thing that will make you more than you are now.
This experience made me a better writer because it really made me see that I’ve become, well, a better writer. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have asked the questions I asked, wouldn’t have seen the holes I did, wouldn’t have known to because I only knew how to write characters. Now, as I said, I write about living breathing humans who live in word pictures. Because, I’m an actual writer. And no disappointment, not even a super cool freelance job that falls through, will keep me from being this thing I’ve decided to be and getting better at it all the time.
Sometimes you don’t see yourself for who you really are until you have to take a good look at what you aren’t. On occasion, that requires you to be disappointed, let down, betrayed, hurt, broken. But, if that hurt causes you to face your reflection and stand a little taller in it, it’s worth it. I’m very disappointed the freelance thing fell through. It would have been right up my alley. But, I’m thankful for the disappointment. Without it, I wouldn't know how far I’ve come. So, really, if you think about it, every now and then, disappointment is a blessing. It keeps us grounded, keeps us reaching, fighting and pushing. Or not. And, if not, then whatever it was wasn’t really a disappointment, it was a course change. If you aren’t wiling to keep pushing, it’s either a thing you don’t really want or a thing you aren’t tough enough for just yet. Maybe that’s part of the reason God allowed you to be let down. To make you decide whether or not you're the type of person who will pull himself back up.
Embrace life’s disappointments. Without them, you’ll never know who you are, how tough you are and what you really want. Because, and you can count on this, if it’s a thing you want, really hunger for, not having it won’t be a disappointment. It will be encouragement to try harder.
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