That #@^%$ Wagon!

Lent - Day 3. JUST DAY THREE

On the wagon, off the wagon. Who is making these stinking wagons that they are so easy to fall off of and so hard to get back onto! It's bad business, I tell you! BAD!

(In order to stave off any more emails, if I (Carla) didn't say it previously, Jacqueline is Scottish, from Scottland. As such, when she writes, cigarettes are fags, packs are packets and "feckin'" flies on occasion. Feckin' is, in the UK, a more socially acceptable way to say that "other word." But, it's not the same. So, calm down. Besides, the F word never killed anybody. But cigarettes have. Keep perspective.)

Jacqueline - Off and back on the wagon

It is with a heavy heart that I write this.  Yes, I fell at the first hurdle, flat on my fecking face.  I fed the nicotine monster that lives in my head - twice.  I was doing so well and was feeling great but at the first sign of trouble I did what any self respecting addict would do and used it to my advantage.
Believe me when I say last night I was consumed with guilt, anger and doubt. Doubt that I had it in me to change, anger for the weak willed individual I obviously was and guilt well that speaks for itself.  Let me detail my poor excuse of a story for you.  So I had a bad day....

Actually, I didn't have a bad day my daughter had a bad day but as I said earlier we addicts like excuses that we try to pass off as reasons! Pathetic? Absolutely.
So I get the call from the school nurse that my BFF has puked all over the classroom floor and would I please come remove her from the premises so the next time she chucks up it will be my turn to clean it up.  Off I go, mum to the rescue! A half hour later we are in our pjs and tucked up in bed with a bucket and the Disney channel for company.  I'm still not thinking about myself or smoking as all I'm concerned with is looking after my offspring. Not even an hour later it starts... Cue back rubbing and frantic hair holding all the while wondering if the bucket will overflow and I will need to change the sheets (I know, selfish, but I just did it on Sunday! They have at least a week left in them) 

Anyway, this routine continues throughout the evening.  Later, she seems to perk up so we move out of my bedroom (phew) and in to the living room.  We let our guard down, the bucket is not with us!! She runs for the bathroom throwing her lunch etc all the way there!!  So I'm back rubbing and calming her down. Poor wee soul she's in a right state.  Then, once she's washed, changed, teeth brushed and back in my bed again, I have the clean up to get on with.  We all know how that goes. No fun especially when you need to ward off two stupid dogs who want to help with said clean up, oh man I'm done!! I need some me time - and there it is - it's the first sign of the selfish act I am about to commit.  I go outside for some "fresh air" it's too easy to justify it to myself now.  I light up and sit back safe in the knowledge that I'm an asshole. I used my daughters stomach bug as a reason to feed my habit, shame on me. At the time though I didn't feel shame I felt rewarded for having to clean up puke.  That's how bad the brainwashing is - I actually believed I was rewarding myself!  So an hour later I did it again :( then I cleaned my teeth, climbed into bed and cried a little...

Day 3 of lent is now day 1 again, for me at least.  I am so pissed right now (angry, not drunk mum) I'm hoping the anger gets me through today and maybe I could sleep Saturday, Sunday and wake up Monday at least then I will have definitely made it longer than my first miserable attempt.
Recalling the wise words of my cousin when he told me how he quit. I'm not going to beat myself up, I smoked but I didn't finish off the packet so move on and try again.

I've got this!!!

Carla - Hanging on the wagon with white knuckles!!!!

I'm miserable. I can't think, my head is foggy and hurts around the clock. I'm also tired, always hungry (even after eating) and completely depressed. And, I look like it. Jacqueline and I didn't take a pic this morning and probably should have to underscore our misery. But, we were too miserable.

I had no idea my body was so dependent upon sugar. It's disgusting.  I almost grabbed a cookie last night. My little Girl Scout has stacks that we have to deliver. And, a stack we don't because they are ours.  There's a bowl of thin mints in the fridge and a super sized chocolate cookie wrapped in plastic from somewhere right on the counter.

I also almost put honey in my coffee this morning. I'm not sure why I am eating raisins and denying myself honey, but I am. My reasoning for the honey was that giving up caffeine and sugar is just too much and to drink a cup of coffee I really need it sweet. I choked it down unsweet with a ton of 1/2 and 1/2. As soon as Jacqueline fessed up to me this morning, I thought, "Oh h$ll yeah! I'm having a thin mint!" But, I didn't. 

I'm about to make brownies sweetened only by raisins. I have a feeling the brownies will look much like what the raisins will produce in me later. Totally don't care.

MORAL: The apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7 that he didn't understand his own self. All the things he knew he should be doing, he didn't do. But, oh, the stuff he knew he shouldn't do, he did. Jacqueline and I both get that. I think everyone who lives with a moral compass does as well. It's who we are: human. We mess up. We excel at it.

Not once did God tell Paul to stop preaching because he wasn't perfect. God knew Paul wasn't perfect. In fact, he was an accessory to the murders of many Christians. But, God saw something in Paul and, in the process, didn't overlook what a mess Paul was. God didn't overlook the fact Rahab was a whore, Moses and David were murderers and Jacob a liar. He didn't ignore those blots. He used them. That's what God does. He makes flowers grow out of poo. It's His thing. He's good at it. All He requires is a willing seed, and even then, He can get around it if He chooses.

So, although Jacqueline and I are mired in mounds of poo we heaped on ourselves, God sees we are willing seeds. He'll use the stink to make us grow, make us stronger. We won't be perfect, we won't be impenetrable. We'll be what we've always been: human, fallible, forever white knuckling it on the wagon. And, God will love us for it. He will rub His hands together and smile as He goes to work on us. It's His thing. He's good at it.