The Lent Screen

For the past fifteen years, I’ve “observed” Lent. I use quotes there because I don’t feel religiously obligated to do it. I do it because I want to and it’s really effective. If you don’t know the gist, from Ash Wednesday to Easter, you abstain from something that is important to you. Whenever you think of that thing or want it, you remember the suffering of Christ and all He gave up for you. There’s actually more to it but that’s the condensed version that I go by. And again, I don’t do because I feel like I have to. I don’t feel like there’s going to be a junky section of heaven for the non-Lenters.

Augustus Gloop - AKA me on Sundays
during Lent when I give up chocolate.

Now, if you look at the amount of time that’s between Ash Wednesday and Easter, you will see there is more than 40 days. That is because on Sunday, you don’t “suffer.” You rejoice in the Lord. This is a little known fact of Lent. So, if you have given up french fries, you can pig out on them every Sunday. You can hide them in your pocket and suck them up through a straw all the way through church. Glory, glory!

I haven’t quite decided what I’m “Lenting” this year. It needs to be something I want everyday and will miss if I don’t have it, yet the public will not be in danger by my not having it! Here are some candidates that I am screening.

1. I would give up sugar and document daily how it affected me but I fear the documentation would be used against me in court.

2.  Meat. Doable. I didn’t eat meat for years. Not a big deal for me BUT, it is more trouble than a carnivorous diet. You have to be mindful of where you are getting protein. I actually felt pretty darn good without meat. The only draw back was I didn’t have much “me-time” in the restroom. If you don’t eat meat, the whole “evacuation” process is incredibly efficient. Seriously, you won’t get past the table of contents in Real Simple. Also, I missed hamburgers and hotdogs. Veggie hamburgers are ok. Veggie hotdogs are an abomination. And veggie bacon should only be served to the most heinous of criminals or as a means of enhanced interrogation. I cannot stress this enough. If veggie bacon were human, it would be the anti-Christ. Buy it and share generously with the ones you hate.

3. I’d give up coffee, as I have in the past, but I would just replace it with tea and I drink tea the proper british way, with cream. So, there’s not much difference. (I also put jelly in it on occasion. Try it. It’s yum.)

4. TV. Nope. It actually inspires me to write on occasion and I don’t care for the silence in the house when I am about doing laundry, cleaning etc. I find it distracting. Now, when I write, the house is quiet. Wait, no it’s not. I have a diffuser going with essential oil stuff in it. Also, we have cuddle family time and watch cartoons quite a bit. So, my family would suffer for this one.

5. Caffeine. (see #1) After about two days I’d be reduced to crouching in a dark corner and hissing at anyone who dared come near. If I could stay awake long enough. Not that either fact would stop my family, or my embittered cat, from bothering me. None of them fear me adequately or respect my need for sleep.  

6. Sweets. Yeah, I’ve done that and it’s pretty stinking effective. I find myself pining for sweets. And, on Sunday mornings, no sooner do my feet hit the floor than chocolate hits my mouth. I throw it back like TicTacs! By noon, I look like the Augustus Gloop from Willy Wonka (see pic) and am thoroughly disgusted with every manner of sweets. But, by Wednesday, I’m over the repulsion and want my little bit of Dove, which ironically, I eat enough of to actually mold a literal dove. This is the one toward which I am leaning.

7. Make-up. Not on your life. I must have my concealer, otherwise, people cover their nose and mouth when I come near fearing I’m contagious with whatever is making me look how I do. Cannot stress this enough. Those of you refuting this have only ever seen me with make-up.

8. BJJ, Muay Thai etc. Um, no. The Lord led me to martial arts because He knew I’d fall climbing up a water tower with a gun. 

9. House cleaning. Now we’re getting somewhere! Yes! I should stop cleaning. But…then I would just have to clean on Sunday which I desperately try to avoid now. Ugh! This one is out.

10. Liquor. Yes. I will give that up. (That’s a joke. I don’t drink. I don’t like the taste of anything and I have the tolerance of a newborn. It’s ridiculous. Half a glass of wine and I will happily curl up and snooze.)

 It’s a thinker, this one. If you have any suggestions, please, peck away in the comments. I will let you know what I decide. If it’s numbers 1, 4, 7 or 8. you’ll see it on the news way before I blog it.